0017 – limbo moment

today have been a real non-day. i woke up really sleepy and rushed to get to uni with the traffic being worse than it usually is and i thought i was late for the earlier than normal exam that starts at 8:30 instead of 9:00 due to friday prayer. dumb sleepy me thought it was 8:00 though so i spent the entire trip fucking stressed out and then i arrived and apparently im not late and it’s also an exam that i prepped nothing for so i finished like an hour early and then decide to go straight home instead of waiting for the oversee slot later that afternoon.

the train was fucking packed apparently when you go from the south to the center of the city at 10:00. i thought morning rush would have subsided but no apparently not. arrived home, ate some of the meat that i dethawed earlier that morning, and the frying pan was too hot so it sticked and i got annoyed. i finished eating and went to go take a nap before being nerdsniped by something i don’t even remember for an hour or so, and then i finally went to sleep. i slept while listening to technology connection’s video about electric cars which was nice, got out of bed, faff around on the tl for a bit not really doing anything before going on a walk.

it feels like the entire day just… went. felt like i was at limbo, where nothing really exist or matters or something like that. i think during the walk i chalked it up to how today there wasn’t any good context switch moment from me trying to wake up and so im basically still in morning sleepy mode. normally in a day i would have certain things serve as neat blocks of time where internally it would change the system that works. i think there’s a word for this, like feeling the world not by clock time but by event time. idk im asking twitter right now since google fu is failing me.

and so im tired. of things. of unclear value. i think there’s like an emotional block stopping me from recognizing what i need which means i know exactly what it is because there’s like only so many emotional block i have left after gutting myself in public with my nobupoasting. it’s probably something about love isn’t it. i’m probably jealous after seeing something i shouldn’t be seeing. i’m probably conflicted about how i should feel about that which i have observed. and it’s probably what it is. i’ve talked (have i?) about emotional regulation and how what i need is to be able to do emotional regulation and it works in waves and in flows and i guess it’s that time of the cycle where i start craving intimacy and i’m not only not getting any i’m seeing other people get it which got spread into other annoying “only solvable through time” stuff.

god i have so many things in my head right now that im holding back from posting on twitter so that i can actually write it on my blog and today have certainly not helped. i have a post about my dream as a househusband that i want to write, another one about how being taught system thinking fucked me up in ways that i don’t know how to solve other than to cling on to a system, and one about what i mean when i say emotional regulation. they’re all mostly done in my head because they were the result of what is probably an attack a few days ago where i basically went through the entire experience of living as myself and why i am the way i am. i don’t think i will ever write it down the way i would tell it because writing is to slow and i wouldn’t be able to make it legible either way because it was more like a waterfall more than anything consumable. wish i had someone i feel comfortable talking to about this, but it’s basically impossible because it’s more of an internal thing more than anything. like, it’s not that there’s not people who are willing to do this with me, it’s that internally i do not let myself do this with anyone because… well… idk, im strong enough to hold it in, and if i let myself talk about this when im not at the absolute edge then i wouldn’t talk about anything else… which is… well… true in experience lmao.

ask anyone who i’m comfortable enough to actually dump about then unless stopped i will only have one conversation topic to talk about and it’s about me because there’s so much context require to understand my problem and i will tell you about it and then as far as i know no one is willing enough to listen to it all and still stick through me after that because no one have ever found the solution to my problem other than “be patient” and while i agree my brain can’t be told to stop and so we’ve reached the conclusion and therefore my brain basic position with them is now that, and now that i know i can trust them almost every conversation gets derailed there and now im no longer fun.

which is the normal case. day to day brain me is very deep in that vibe. i do have things that help alleviate that, but it’s mostly physical or very spontaneous whimsy stuff which is hard to convey or do with people who i don’t feel a different kind of intimacy which i still think u can only get from a partner consistently so there reach a certain level in all my friendships where i finish telling them all my problems and my stories and we’re like “yup okay im done now if u wanna tell ur story go ahead but i don’t have anymore” and then we talk like once every three month to catch up.

maybe that’s the way.
and i need to cope for the rest of it.
time to fuck my body up lmao.

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