twitter feels like i’m hanging out with someone. not very clear who, or what, but it feels not lonely. well, that’s not true. it feels like being in a crowd, lonely but not alone. it’s worse than being in crowd though, because in order for you to signal anything to anyone in the crowd you have to use words. words are annoying. they’re limited. they can only convey so much. even if you start getting real good at them and be able to speak in poetry, you can’t communicate with everyone. it’s unnatural. we haven’t even talked about how in the crowd im in it’s mostly english that’s being used, and therefore we have a system that might not necessarily be the most natural for those that can be of help for me.

and so i’ve recently discovered the “niceness” that is deactivating twitter and seeping in the silence and loneliness that my body is feeling, instead of clinging on to… not necessarily a fake hope, but an imperfect one. hm. i don’t like that framing. that’s not the framing i want. it’s not twitter’s fault in particular, it’s more of a mind sense body space kinda situation, a sensory overload kinda situation. visa had a tweet about how access to smartphones and the ability to know people’s life the way we can through social media is a thing we have not evolved to do and no one knows how to do it properly.

but that’s not what i want to talk about. i want to talk about how lonely i am. like always. that’s the only thing in my mind because that’s the thing my body knows. it has been five days since i last hanged out with them and my body is starting to run out of the good vibes that we had. i went to uni yesterday and while it was nice seeing them it was also missing something else. i don’t belong there, and that’s fine. i just need to move on. and in order to do that i need to move. i can’t be complacent.

sometime twitter doesn’t give me enough heat to go forward, but it also doesn’t leave me in the cold enough to go forward. i need to learn how to let go when it doesn’t motivate me and accept other methods of going forward. gotta fight nail and tooth to move forward, because that is what is necessary to do.

EMBRACE THE LONELINESS. BECOME A MONSTER. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.

anyway that’s the emotional stuff done i think i just didn’t drink enough. in more practical reasons it’s basically a way to limit the ways in which i can output the inner astral sea inside of me, basically a seal, so that i can write down things that are longer like this one. it also means if i don’t have anything to say i can expend my energy into doing other things like for example learning about what im supposed to be teaching for tomorrow. good god that teaching assistant gig is going to kill me mentally. reminder to self: stop doing things you don’t want to do.

i’ve been re-reading god of highschool for a few days and while the story is honestly painful to read when you’re reading it weekly, binge reading it in one sitting it is actually not that bad. sure pacing and character is all over the place but the action and honestly the red string it’s trying to tie up is genuinely good.

spoiler for god of highschool in ROT13:
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anyway i feel like im mori jin and i need to return to my basics and level up my basic skills and it’s hard but i need to do it and in order to do it i must do things that i’ve been avoiding like putting the time and effort into getting good in ways that might not necessarily look cool.

i feel like a mistake and like a fool and like a weak ass pussy and you know what let’s go and take this one step at a time i’m probably like dehydrated as fuck i should go and drink some water and get something to eat and then take a shower and maybe drink some antangin while im at it.