i really am. like, deeply so afraid of it. i don’t know what it is. i don’t know what it feels like. i don’t know it’s effect. i don’t know anything about it.

porn, is not sex. porn is fantasy, the same way gun-fu is fantasy. sure, it may have connection with reality (one with sex, the other with guns and kungfu), but they’re both are fantasy. biological reproduction biology class, is also not sex. it is a scientific definition of the process that happens during one part of sex. it’s an important part of sex, but it’s not all of sex.

sex is… something else. there was a tweet that scrolled past my tl a few weeks ago talking about how the word for sex in hebrew is the same word for bare connection between two people, and i think about that a lot.

my feelings on sex comes bundled with the feeling of romance. not love, romance. in particular, the modern usage of the word romance in which we are talking about the amorous and romantic feelings toward another person. these two feels to me to be intertwined, and that they shouldn’t be untangled. hence why loveless sex feels so… icky to me. statusless sex is fine, after all status is just labels we put on things. but loveless sex? feels sacrilegious sin of aesthetic. friends with benefits are… fine, i think? there is still love of the action, even if there’s no love of the person. i think anyway, this is beyond what a pure boy like me would know.

what does it feel like to be yearned by other people? to have someone look at your eyes and shows lust in their face? being in a hug in which you are not accepted, but loved for the entirety of who you are, not just the “nice part” of yourself? to be able to show the part of yourself that you’ve always hide and be loved for it? what is it like being intimate between two people, not just mentally or physically, but entirely (actually i think i know this one through ballroom dancing, but not sure if full or not)? how does it feel to love someone and have that love be reciprocated? what does it feel like to have SEGGZZZ BRUTAALLL (this one is a joke but not really)?

this fear of sex, i feel, comes from my inability to properly exude and channel it into something more productive. i mean, those that knows me knows of my struggle with the romance side of things, things not that much different here. sure, i intellectually know what it is, i could imagine it, i could fantasize about it, but i don’t know it. my body doesn’t know what romance is, let alone sex. and things that i do not understand, and have not experience, i am afraid of.

now, i know what you’re gonna say.

“hey nobu, you’re literally still 20 why are you so stressed about this. chill dude go do something else like idk make yourself useful, learn a skill or something.”

to that i say heck yeah my dude, if only i could find something else that am so deeply unsettled and hollow in that every fiber in my body move toward it I totally would. i’m not gonna talk about it more but yeah this is a problem that only exist because i’m a privileged fuck with no other problems in life (i don’t fully believe in this framing anymore but i guess i’m hedging for when someone does say this to me). but just because my problems seems inconsequential to everyone, doesn’t mean it’s not important. it’s just a very hard problem to solve.

the biggest problem with this is that my fear and the big empty hole in my heart leads me to be needy, and neediness is a big sexiness killer. now i know this, and i’ve tried solving it, but it’s just a very hard thing to do. how do you even do it when you don’t have something else to latch on? my current answer is to put yourself into a delusion so deep that you can only focus on that thing, but that doesn’t seem to be a very nice thing to do, atleast it’s not something that you should do deliberately.

and there is another part of this that i’m struggling with.

i don’t know how to communicate this to others.

i live in a very conservative nation, albeit in the most liberal place in said nation (the capital have a lot of pockets of liberal western influence that discourse spews out). i was raised by parents and a community of people that was very liberal in a lot of things (labor rights, education policy, environmental stuff, religion), except for sex. heck i was always surrounded by people that practice a very strong no physical touches unless muhrim that it became the golden standard for interacting with people.

I DONT KNOW HOW, WHAT, TO WHOM IN WHICH I COULD COMMUNICATE THESE STRUGGLES!!!

like, even in this writing i tiptoe very carefully with the words i use, trying my best not to use vulgar or language that you would use in things like smut or those roleplay things that people do on the internet. i take great steps in censoring the words i say about sex even with people who i am comfortable with because i do not have a good radar and foundation on how to talk about sex because my foundation is DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX AT ALL.

and so this article hopefully helps illustrate a little about my fear and problems with sex. and romance. i’m sorry that i can’t get my head out of this, i really do. i too don’t want to think about it too much, but this is the one thing in which i do not have any experience i could relate to at all, and i just cannot have that. at least with fighting a dragon i could do martial art to imagine. at least with being a rich person i could go and buy a Häagen-Dazs bucket once in a while.

but sex? boy i don’t even know where to start.