I’m gonna have to learn how to seal Nobu and the infinite sea of eldritch sea that he has absorbed and made part of himself aren’t I.

So a common image and visualization of what goes inside of my mind, where my creativity and knowledge comes from, was an astral sea-like space where ancient aberration. eldritch beings. and the imaginal roam and exist. A lot of my ideas come from me peering over the real yet metaphorical river, throwing it bait and hoping for insight to come splashing onto me like water rippling from a stone toss. It was a separate space, a place where “I would go to” when I need to access the creative and imaginal. It wasn’t a space that was me, it was just a place that I could sometime tap into for sparks of inspiration when I have the right bait or when a random denizens of the realm would come and stab me with their strange insights. This was the reason I don’t consider myself to be an artist. The source of my ideas was never connected to me, it was just a portal I somehow have access to.

Don’t think that still true though. The lockdown and isolation from external stimulus have pushed me more and more toward interacting with the astral sea, to the point where I have drank and absorbed it into me. The act of “internalizing” and “absorbing” the astral sea has been a real mind opener and I would say that a lot of progress have been made in understanding myself, ones that I think probably surpass what most people will go through in their entire life. It has given me a much more richer appreciation of aesthetic as a way of life, and it have allowed me to access higher dimensions of knowledge absorption and have connected me with people who I truly connect with. So much body reconstruction have had to happen in order to be able to even absorb it, and in that process a lot of assumptions have been made laid bare.

And yet, so much of it that the entire space is now contained inside of my body. Nobu, the idea, the identity, is me that have absorbed the astral idea space and is now breaking at the seams, unable to take an idea outside of the imaginary space without the help of others to be a locust of focus. Every time I try to get an idea out alone without that help, so much gets poured out in a vomit like movement that it comes out not just unintelligible, but it actively breaks the vessel in the process. All those new information and knowledges have been for naught since every movement require me to expend so much more energy just to not to collapse and lose all progress.

I need to make a seal to control this. Like the Jinchuuriki, I need to contain the bijuu inside of me until I have a much stronger vessel and have developed techniques that allows me to utilize this massive reservoir of… idk. Mind space? Creative juices? Forbidden Eldritch Insights? Honestly I don’t even have a name for it yet because it encompasses everything, and I need something to constraint that.

Now why would I need to do this? Honestly, I don’t really feel like explaining because the answer seems obvious. This is all in my head. Nothing of this have made any real impact in the way I live. The object level have called and they’re telling me that I need to start earning money because I want to cosplay and hang out with my friends that lives in Singapore and Lisbon and Texas and so much more. I want to have money because for the first time in 21 years I feel like I have something that I want. Not necessarily something I want to do, I would say that it’s the first time in 21 years that I feel like I don’t know what I want to do. But I do know what I want now. I want to be independent. Fully independent. I want to earn my own money. I want to have things that I own. I want to have friends. I want to have a thing that I can call mine.

To do that Nobu and the astral sea that I have absorbed will need to cooperate. Or I need to listen to Nobu and start moving the right direction. I don’t know. I just know that I want to start doing stuff again. And I might need to take back the reigns from the sea. Even if that means I might be less in touch for just a moment. Take the slingshot movement. We have a destination to go and this might be the fastest way to reach there.

Constraints creates creativity… right? Time to put some bondage on that guy (I’m really sorry).