Dunia Yudhis

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Nobu

Nobu

Born Untethered

have you ever yearned for freedom? to be released from the chains that pulls you down? to soar free and spread your wings?

to those that have succeeded in achieving freedom, have you enjoyed the feeling of freedom before finding that what you’re wishing isn’t freedom, but freedom from that thing? that maybe the ground isn’t as bad as you remembered, or that flying free is tiring and not as nice as you once thought?

to those, have you found the new ground for you to stand on? for you know what it was like to be tied down against your will, the feeling of unfettered freedom, and a much clearer goal of what ground you’re thinking of settling down on. or maybe at least, which grounds not to stand on?

*for those of you who are, somewhere, in that journey. can you imagine, what life would be like, if you we’re never tied down? without experience of the ground, you were born, untethered?

disc screech sound

yup, that’s me. I’m talking about myself. I was born untethered. Hi o/

This thought is primarily triggered by a call I did with @eggprophet on the 12th of July, where I described my inner experience to him and for the first time I have been understood. Let’s break it down so that you too can hopefully remember this, friend.

I was born to two loving parents in the middle of terrible event on the fifth month of the second year in the new century. They met, fell in love, and got married in Eden, and I spent the first decade (or almost a full decade, we got kicked out in 2010) there. It was a magical place, everyone basically radiate divine energy and I was almost always happy there. Interestingly, unlike other religious communities there wasn’t much in the way of doctrinization during my time there. There were values taught, but very little of it came with the baggage that is doctrine. There too I learned to enjoy life no matter what, as we were not very rich. I remembered very well to learn how to eat sambal from a young age because all we had was two slices of tempe and an unlimited* amount of sambal and rice. So if I want to eat my fill, gotta learn to enjoy those. Ah… the good times.

Second decade of my life (again wasn’t the full decade, decided to go to uni at the ripe age of 18), the time of my youth (Alexa play Day6’s Time Of Our Life), where I spend most of it as a homeschooler. I spent my time learning whatever I wanted, everything from the production and history of chocolate, what is a bone, how to make games (with the side effect of learning programming), architecture visualization, video editing, world history (I got really into World War 2 because of Heart of Iron 4 and Japanese History because am weeb), guitar fingerstyle, hip-hop dance thingy, and a whole plethora of things, not following any coherent curriculum at all. As I was homeschooled for the entirety of K-12, I was never affected by most of the psyops and doctrines that are mandatory and probably serve as the baseline trauma in which modern people work on. On the rare occasion where I had to interact with the education systems (still had to do checkpoint tests at the end of each stage of school if I wanted to go to uni), I never had any of the problems that friends my age was having like bullying or not liking tests (I like tests they’re not as hard as trying to finish a project) or having shitty teachers or all those important experiences that people bond over.

During those times, never did I ever thought that I had to “break out of my shell” or a strong yearning for freedom. There was times I wished things was different, but those are usually caused by specific events that doens’t necessarily leave a lasting impact. People’s yearning for freedom was never something I understood instinctively, because I am, and has always been, Free. And here’s the thing, okay. I understand, that this might sound like gloating to some people. Just like that QC’s acid and $100k thread (insert qc’s acid thread), this can totally be read as “well aren’t you lucky being so free and happy you little dipsh-“. But it’s not as if I don’t have problems with this as well!

See, unlike most people, I don’t have a place I could stand firm on (my family is also free but that’s a topic for another day). There is no ground, that I know, will allow me to exist (in a certain form), because I have never fully planted myself into the ground. I don’t like identifying with a certain thing, and so I just don’t. I’m nor part of any religion, or part of a school, or fans of a sports club, or anything that will easily identify and categorize me. Even the things I feel like I’m a big part of like Klub OASE or Kajian BOE, It’s not that I’m them, I’m just a part of their story and therefore exist as an Individual. @eggprophet puts it nicely in that people likes to collect nouns and hide behind those, while I’m just here standing open without any nouns to tether to.

Because I’m free and unthetered, I’ve never had problem fitting in and “just” embodying myself to fit whatever scenario the environment have in store for me. Want me to write a ton about my life as introspection? Sure bud! Push me toward doing “real jobs” and getting a career? Alright! Oooh, joining academia could be good? Cool let’s do that. Whatever the situation calls, whatever hardship or fun it could be, I am more than happy to do them as I am ever present and am just… there. Living. Free.

And this is REALLY IMPORTANT in the context of the starting story, because for most people, freedom is not what they want. Freedom is part of the journey, going from where they are right now (usually stuck and unhappy) to a place where they want to be (feel like they belong and happy). Being able to free yourself from those chains that is hurting you and pinning you down is really good, but what most people are looking for isn’t freedom. What most are looking for is another place to put their feet in, and freedom is along the way to do that. This is really different from my position, because I was never really stuck. I was never trying to gain freedom in order to find another place where I belong. And yet, here I am, trying to look for a place to land.

And the reason for that is really dumb too. I wanna get a gf. :<

Okay, there’s a thing @mechanical_monk talked about in one of my “why no gf” thread which is that “women like men with a strong meaning in their life” and that resonated really deeply with me because I do agree with that. Heck remove the gender and just put people there and I agree with that as well. The thing is… it’s… kinda… hard… to… create… meaning… in a way that is easily signaled, when you’re an untethered free goblin like me. Key thing here is easily signaled.

The most annoying thing is that I don’t think being grounded is a thing I want to do just yet, or that being an untethered free goblin like me is necessarily a bad thing y’know. I love it up here, and I think I could totally live a life just continuing on like this. I mean, my parents managed to do it, friends from Eden managed to do it, why not me? I know all the ropes, I’ve done plenty of experiments, and they point to this lifestyle and philosophy that I hold to be completely doable and most importantly, something I enjoy.

With that, we hit the point that we made me super happy and kinda relieved to hear. That the mix between “my ability to adapt to any situation because I’m ever present” and “I don’t particularly have any strong drive because I’ve always been free and there wasn’t a kickoff that points my way forward” and “women like men with a strong meaning (aka good grounding)” can make me look needy to people that doesn’t understand.

GAAH IT’S SO NICE TO FINALLY HAVE SOMEONE AGREE THAT MY APPARENT NEEDYNESS ISN’T DUE TO INHERENT NEEDYNESS BUT CIRCUMSTANCES.

So it goes like this. I’m untethered, and am looking for gf (actually looking for wife). Hard to find gf because untethered = bad meaning signaling, but am very choosy on which ground I land on. I am however am very willing to try out a lot of things, especially when someone (uhuk potential gf uhuk) is also standing there. This result in what seemed to other people me bending myself to fit other people’s vibe or looking like I’m extremely needy, when in fact it’s actually me just existing and channeling what is necessary.

At least, that’s how I think it goes anyway 😀
THANKS EGG/BEAR/ALEX LOVE YOU XOXO

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