H: What do you mean by that?
N: well, compared to us they have so much more burden and bindings placed upon them and yet they’re still able to do what we are able to do and better! they’re able to fight through all their limitations, or at the very least circumvent it, and reach the goals that they want!
H: Do we not do that?
N: not to the point that they do, i don’t think. i mean did anything we’ve ever done truly have been “great” in the sense that they require us to sacrifice a part of our self? or have we ever chosen a path that was truly risky to do something that we really want? all of our friends have to go through so much pain to get to where they are right now, while here we are, not really in any real non self afflicted pain, unable to do anything worth while.
H: Huh, how about we break it down a little. Why do you want to do something great?
N: well, what’s the point in life if you don’t at least try to do something great with it, and something great can only come if you sacrifice something in the process.
H: Hmm… Okay… What about risky things? Have us choosing to go to university been a risky move compared to everything else?
N: lmao please i doubt you were able to ask that with a straight face. going to uni is the safe route. it’s literally the society’s safe route. the alternative we did was the risky move for a lot of people but it’s a safe route for us because we’ve been through it and we have decent enough acumen to surf through that. none of the things we did was in any way truly risky.
H: Right. How about the “real non self afflicted pain” you’re describing. How can you tell that the pain we’re feeling are self afflicted or that they’re not real?
N: we’ve talked with a lot of people already, haven’t we? we were raised not in an ivory tower and we were exposed to the life of many different type of people from the super poor to the super wealthy. all of them have problems way more real and non self afflicted compared to ours, be it things like lack of friends, lack of money, lack of opportunities, family expectations, racial prejudice, to religious oppression.
N: heck within the last week we’ve talked with people we care about who we can’t help because their problem are actually real and are actually hard and isn’t something that is made up. no i’m not talking about mental issues like depression or adhd or those kind of things, those kind of things are not self afflicted. i’m talking about your incessance need to be accepted 100% the way you are, unwillingness to concede, inability to do the things that are difficult to get what you want, things like that. the very abstract. the ones where if you don’t fixate yourself on them you’ll probably get them. that’s your pain. fake. self afflicted. and even that you can’t get through.
H: Have you ever thought that you’re not being charitable to yourself? These “real non self afflicted pain” you’re describing seems like extremely important things to you, no? Why does having them make you any less than your friends?
N: ASJDLFJAROWAHJAWOEFJAEF YOU’RE DOING THE SAME THINGS OTEHR PEOPLE DO WHENEVER I TALK ABOUT THIS. why yes of course i understand that these problems of mine is not less than others because i do feel the pain. i get it yes. but fuck me do you not see what im pointing at here? everyone is in this world without their consent and all of my friends were shunted with all sort of baggage from physical to societal and it’s an absolute miracle that they’re still surviving and not massively jaded. us? WE WERE GIVEN FREE RANGE FOR OUR OWN LIFE.
N: we didn’t have any identities that were highly tied to us. there was no race group or religious group that we were “part of” and therefore have to follow the rules of. we were freed from the shackle of school and were given free reign on the choosing of our education. our parents told us to be free and have explicitly told us that they will take care of themself so that we don’t have to worry about taking care of them. our siblings are capable in their own rights i don’t have to sacrifices anything for my siblings. our interest in education have never really manifest itself in any sort of coercive force and we’re basically free to choose any kind of job or interest that we have. and we still dare say that we have issues?
H: And what do you wish to get from telling this to your friends? Do you want them to sympathize with you? In what way are they suppose to do that so that you’ll accept it? It’s not as if they pushed you away or said that you’re different or anything of the sort did they? Heck they’re actively asking you to tell them what they can do to help you. And you have the gal to say all this?
N: but i…
H: Do you want to push them away because you’re afraid that even the people who you thought were close don’t have the same category of issues as you do? Do you want to push them away because the idea that they will never understand you scares you? Do you want to push them away before they push you away because that’s what you think you deserve? Because you’re supposed to be alone? To test if even after doing all that they’re still gonna be with you? What, you’re gonna shit test your friendship? Such a good friend, you are.
H: Take a rest. Drink some water. Go to bed.
H: We can talk about this at a later date.
art by: @all_need_is