I Feel Like I’m Going Insane Today

Maybe I just miss my kaicamp friends. Maybe I just miss amir. Maybe I just miss the ingroup that I had back during covid. Maybe I’m just at the end of a period and I need to put to rest what has had, and move on to something new. (tweet)

I feel an immense amount of intense‚Ķ energy. vibration. anger. emotions. serenity. edge. all of those things, deep inside of me, and a very strong desire to not let anyone else fucks this thing up. I don’t like anyone anymore. I still feel that deep respect I have for my friends, but this intense feelings doesn’t want to let them in anymore because they have not done enough work to come inside. Even for the friends that have done the work and helped me through a lot of things, they all get pushed away by this wall. Why? No clue. I think I just don’t like people anymore. Probably wrong. I might just be tired.

I also think not. I’m somewhat in awe at the lack of attention and care gets put into my actions, and I would like to rectify that now. At this very moment, going forward. I don’t want to take actions that doesn’t allow me to care for it, and I want to allow myself to move where my soul cares. This doesn’t mix well with the “post-irony” and “nihilistic optimism” that a lot of the friends in the local nobuparty crowd have, if not as their main way then as the foundation in which they reside on. It sucks because these are probably the most interesting bunch of 20-something Indonesians around, and they’re sure as heck a lot better than people who are not doing anything, but I’m not sure if I can hold on to this desire to take action when they come with full attention while being surrounded by them.

God knows I love them, and care for them, and have faith in them, and that writing this feels incredibly risky as it might jeopardize the very foundations of the many friendships I’ve built up over the year. This feeling, of course, is probably untrue. I like to think that the friendships I’ve built up is strong enough that this post stating my discomfort of the state of the people around me will get me ostracized and unfriended. Most people probably doesn’t even think about their relationships with me this much for this to matter.

But I’ve spent a majority of the last few years trying my best to practice good reply game, to meet people more than halfway where they are, to make certain improbable friendship situations happen by reaching out first, to do the logistics of hanging out, to try and understand their languages so that I can understand and speak to them better. I spent a lot of the time bridging gaps and spending energy to do so, and I’m not quite sure if I’ve done enough work for the void to be filled when I pull back.

And I guess the coldness is some preemptive preparation for the absolute worst case scenario, which is that no one picks up what I’ve left off, or they fail to do so in ways that I cannot appreciate with the enough grace to encourage them to try again. I think it’s faithlessness or strong lack of trust that they’re going to be able to help me fulfil my needs in the short term. Something like a pill against neediness that replaces it with bitterness.

I don’t think this is the first time this has happened though. I think it happened quite often in the last few years. But the main difference is that the [[binding vow]] I’ve put on myself that focused all my attention and energy towards making friends and finding my crowd is finally ending, and I can change my situation instead of having to change myself to fit the situation.

We’ll see if this continues on. Maybe this is just floating high in the clouds untouched with reality vibes and that the next nobuparty and doing my thesis will pull me back down to reality. Or maybe not and I go on to be insane.

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