i’ve been feeling off for like a few days now, probably have to do with the god awful weather in the last few days. rain have fallen non-stop, flooding a few places in this city of ours. it’s like one pm right now, i wanted to write something else about my feelings for xena that is still rotating here and there or do a concise writing because i felt like doing one after redesigning the new website, but i just had indomie with rice and some cheeze balls things and am listening to amir’s album that start with Bruce Haack’s Blowjob and it’s like i don’t really have any imminent thoughts and want to sleep.

i also made coffee and therefore i should just do a little writing. not sure what, maybe this is just gonna be a word vomit. but this one i pre-emptively titled to be “mapping the medium term future” because that’s what i wanted to nudge my brain towards. i’ve been feeling extremely lost, more lost than i’ve ever been, to the point where idk what my identity is and what my long term goals are. now i’m like floating in space just going through the motions but like that’s unstrategic so i should at least like, map out things that i want to do within the not near future but also not far future.

one of the most consistent themes have been “earn money because now i want to do x” which was prompted by me being able to hang out with my friends from kai camp a lot and how much i love doing that and also more importantly because i went to comifuro and indonesian comic con and they re-sparked my interest in those nerdy side of me again and i have just realized that i want to be involved again and to do that it would do me well to have lots of money.

i cosplayed as tatsu from yakuza househusband and i was surprised by how much i liked being asked for pictures for reason that is anything other than “my mum is a fan of yours”. being in the anime and nerd culture makes me feel like a part of a bigger thing, it allows me to focus on just the things that i liked without having to think too much about the greater “anime community” or “systems of culture”. i feel like i can enjoy both the game and also the meta game, and learning to do the meta game will not detract my ability to enjoy the game.

currently my ideas for job consist of finding internship for junior data scientist/data analyst. i haven’t done any market research, which is probably bad, but also i don’t really know anything anymore so there’s that. i asked around and it seems like it’s mostly a matter of knowing SQL and a visualization software (tableau or power bi or python) which i don’t think would be too difficult to learn, i’m just not sure what sort of project that i could do to exhibit those skills. honestly i think i need a mentor, i just don’t know who to trust and also i’ve been in peak annoyingness with little quality in the past few years so like i don’t blame anyone for not believing that i can do things. even i’m doubting my abilities on that lmao.

executive functions have been an absolute fuck for anything other than housework and helping other people with emotional regulation, and even that latter one have been failing on me. feel like everything is crumbling and nothing is working and maybe what i’m learning is how to still function even when everything else shatters into pieces, the way other people do. i’ve been smoking. i’m not proud of it, heck i think part of talking about it to people i trust is for them to go like “wow dude stop here ill help you just don’t do it ok” but what i’ve been getting is either “pls dont :(” or “yea.jpg” which make sense i guess.

my plans in education is… idk. genuinely. haven’t had time to hang out with mas barry or with ka gita or bu irra. idk what the field needs or what in particular i can contribute with. i think there’s still a lot of alpha left in sharing what i know about self management that i used back in my homeschooling days but like you know just from this note i am not in a place to tell others how to live their life lmao. i really wanna work in nadiem’s “shadow organization” thing but like 2024 is coming up, i don’t really think the next president candidate (whoever that might be) will assign nadiem as the minister of education again (highly surprised if they do) and therefore by the time i finished uni i would only have one year and i doubt that they’re gonna be hiring junior developers with only one year left in the project.

i wanna play dnd again. maybe if i turn the part of my brain that have been overthinking about my own life and relationship and philosophy back into making fiction and systems for games i would be able to cope much better with day to day life. i was watching a four hour lore video about genshin and not gonna lie it’s actually pretty interesting and running a genshin inspired ttrpg game sounds really compelling. i mean the structure of genshin is pretty “pop fantasy” and so adapting it wouldn’t be too difficult but the execution of it was interesting enough for me to be like “hmm maybe we can do this”. we’ll see though, seems like a pretty big undertaking.

other than that i guess there’s nothing much in the medium term huh. return back to my nerdy way, earn some money, help out with education stuff here and there if possible, play dnd again, and then… just do the habits. do consistent work out, learn to cook new stuff every now and then, keep the room nice and cozy, keep healthy, and reach out with friends every now and then to hang out.

yeah.