0014 – trying to capture the feeling

i’m trying to capture a feeling here. there was two post that i wanted to write about this, but the vibe was ongoing fast enough that it slipped past me. one was a kai camp corny poast, and the other one was this powerful vibe of allowing myself to win. both are good, both are right, but both were drafted at what i would argue to be the peak of what has been happening. this is me currently at a much, much lower point, but also with enough clarity that it doesn’t have to stay this way, and i want to capture this for future reference.

it has been one fuck of a week an a bit. painting the picture, it has been around a month since i got covid for the first time, had a heartbreak from the first woman to have said explicitly they liked me and wanted my presence but have chosen another guy who was better, and also after kai camp which showed me that it is possible to meet people who i can fully be myself with and not just be tolerated and accepted, but feel loved and wanted without any pull that i had to “contribute” in order to be there. i then had to cut my time at kai camp short to spend a few weeks back at my parent’s place, celebrating my mum’s birthday, but also the marriage of two of my best friends, of which the bride used to be my first crush. extremely happy for them, i can’t believe two of my best friend got married, and they’re married to each other. at least i can’t believed that they ended up being married so early at the ripe age of 20. during my time at my parent’s place i bummed around for a few days before after a quick discussion i decided to start a coaching project for 11-15 years old about understanding themself and taking steps on working through the necessary steps to get what they want. it’s still on progress, at the time of this writing (24/08/2022) i am around what, a week late on deadlines? yeah. a mess that is.

that’s a rollercoaster that happened. and yet it’s only the backdrop for the vibe that i wanted to explain. what i want to explain is this last week and a bit that has gotten me to go

wow i don’t have the energy to write this all long. let’s just list them day per day:

friday 12th: went home from semarang in the morning, did class registration, went to sleep, met up with a childhood friend, proceed to made out with them in the karaoke room. the first time i’ve ever made out with anyone. what the fuck.

saturday 13th: did a zoom meeting for uni organization from morning til afternoon, felt like shit because i had no one to talk to for the entire day.

sunday 14th: morning call with brooke. absolutely amazing, love her so much, we were talking about her plans and my plans with the jakarta crowd and it was super energizing that i scheduled multiple calls with other people after that. hanged out with the boys at salihara art center, watched a hybrid sunda-western classical music performance and a wayang exhibition. taught jaticarta how i do a form of expanded awareness and got complimented that i have powerful energy, am really convincing at stating what i believe, and am “the man”.

monday 15th: explored a new routine of waking up, bought fruits (a pineapple) for my own consumption for the first time ever, let my body and desires work it ways and danced to tunes that i would usually be reluctant to do, talked with my aunt about wanting to help around the house more. went out to tutor a friend on math (i’m bad at tutoring and math apparently lmao)

tuesday 16th: i lost my virginity

wednesday 17th: stayed over at my uni friend’s place at night, and then i tried saving a domestic abuse victim and almost got beaten up by a mob because of it. had to be escorted to the local government building to save myself, humiliating, but also the first time i was compelled to action for something that i believe i should do, even if i should have been more strategic.

thursday 18th: hanged out with tafu after she went to the netherlands for exchange and we shared so much stories, she helped me pick out new glasses since i lost mine during yesterday’s kerfufle, then we explored that maybe she might fit the twitter group of friends that i have right now

friday 19th: tried working on the project after almost a whole week of not being able to work on it, a few homeschooled friends that i haven’t hanged out with for ages came and we share catch up stories, and then had a massively empowering call with steven and his baby where we talked about education and got another confirmation that i am extremely clear on my positions about a lot of things and i can basically reach anything that i want once i decide to leverage what i know i have now.

saturday 20th: did a morning call with stephen talking about how my parents feel a lot like tpot people and all sort of other things. also did the first ever nobuparty. invited the current kajian boe kids and a few of the fractal table folks. it was good, first time hosting in like, 3 years, probably should do a proper breakdown one of these days, but once it was a little bit late at night i stated in front of the crew that “I want to make this our base camp and I am willing to put the time and energy to make this work”.

sunday 21st: slept the entire day after a fuckin exhausting day and week. realized a few things about how much the upper bound of my energy has been unlocked, but it doesn’t mean i don’t feel shitty because i felt super bad and terrible and also had an exhausting moment with the girl that broke my heart. also did my first one on one call with a fellow kai camper, yuki, and it was amazing to get to know her more personally.

monday 22nd: sat around doing fuck all for like 5 hours instead of doing work and then i went on to make some cookies which one batch failed because i put in 7tsb of baking soda instead of 1tsb. shows me that i can just do things that i want to do, even if they might feel cringe because i over estimate what i can do. felt extremely terrible because there was no one who told me that i did good or affirmed me that i was doing the right thing

tuesday 23rd: after a few weeks of back and forth interaction with the girl that broke my heart, trying to find the right balance of keeping the friendship working, i think i crossed the line and she removed me from her private twitter. if you’re reading this, hope you’re doing well, i’ll be around if you want to hang, and i hope you can work on what you need to work on. enjoy your time with your bf, i’ll be fine. also i had this moment of epiphany that 88rising is super cool asians and i should probably try to dig in to why they work

and so comes today. today was just a fine day. i think. idk. i felt terrible because of an interaction with a really close friend who i felt emotional connection that felt like a rejection, leaving me feeling alone without anyone who i can comfortably be emotionally connected with which caused this tweet

there is so many things i glossed over. the little minute to minute feeling of high, the terrible lows that still plagues me when im alone, the realization that an increased high does not lessens the pain of the lows, the realization that this is what a lot of people feel ever since they were born, and so much other things that i’m not strong enough to fully explain. but hopefully that’s a good enough rough paint of what has happened in the past what, 12 days? what a wild few days, and uni starts next week.

idk. trying to capture the feeling and the vibe.

Other Notes