it is surprising how hard it is to try to process bad feelings when you’ve told yourself that you’re not going to do it as often as you used to do it. currently trying to limit the amount of bad feeling processing on twitter, forcing me to either not think about it or if it is something so important then at least write a longer version of it. anyway today’s bad feelings doesn’t warrant an entire article because i’ve pushed it back already, so i should talk about something else.

a few days ago, i wrote this thread after what feels like a few days of constant beatdown and misunderstanding about me and my models of the world.

my family have a tradition of these predetermined moment of rest, a check point of the day, a ritual that allows for you to recenter your mind, body, and soul. we do lunch and dinner together, but the most interesting one that i haven’t seen anyone else do is what my family calls “kruntelan”. i think it’s a javanese word, don’t know how to translate it, but it is a moment at night where we allocate a certain amount of time, could be just 5 minutes or it could be 2 hours, to just sit there, hug and cuddle, talk about the day, play games together, plan for tomorrow, and pray for the night.

i didn’t realize how crucial and load bearing those activities are for me. it is not a simple good night, it is a moment i know i can interact with others if i want or needed to, a moment where i know others will be available and i can feel comfortable in asking for things, a moment where i can whine about the day and about what has been annoying me within a contained safe space, and a moment where i can ask for the feeling of being loved without fear.

idk im rambling. lots of things to process. lots of emotions and desires that feels wrong to even say. feel like i’m not allowed to ask for things because you don’t get what you want.

i like twitter’s gm and gn. they’re the communal type of gm and gn that feels a lot closer to how i say gm and gn to my neighbours. they are necessary in a healthy community and it serve as a nice thing that you can do to strengthen bonds over time, something like a small daily test to see if you will cooperate in the community kinda deal. but they’re different. they’re not the kind i’m looking for. what i’m looking for was something closer to the “kruntelan” moment that i had with my family.

now, i have found that it is actually quite doable to recreate that moment. i’ve had it since march or so, until a few weeks ago when i had the massive heartbreak (i don’t think i’ll have the capacity to talk about it anytime soon) and i lost it. at night we would talk about our day, plan for tomorrow, talk about whatever comes to mind, and virtually sit there with each other.

i liked it. it helped me focus on other things because i know that i have something to look for at the end of the day. i know that i don’t have to process things now because there will be someone who i can process things with, even if not directly. when i have that moment i can look forward to at night i don’t have to balance myself at every moment because i know that there is a moment in which i can recenter myself. in the day i can armor up and close my heart knowing that later i will be able to open up to someone.

and that last part seem wholly important. to have someone there, is just so, so, so important.

this is maybe the part where i will have to expand at another time. i think there is something to be said here about how never in my entire life do i have reach a point where it is just me vs the world. no matter how bad i go. no matter how isolated i am. no matter how lonely i am. i can just never shake the feeling that i’m not actually alone. that what i’m doing is pushing other people away. and that there can never be a me vs the world, because you can always make allies, because you are never truly alone, because you are the world.

i feel like this is where faith plays a role usually. people use god, or other god-like entities to fill this space. when people have given up on finding other people who can fill this role, they turn toward art, creation, consumption, distraction, and all sort of other means to distract themself when faith is low or hard to come by.

but i can’t. i don’t think i can ever replace a vulnerable and intimate moment with another human being with anything else. i feel like i royally fucked up somewhere along the line by knowing the beauty and possibilities of being comfortable with another human being that nothing is going to ever hit the same way. i may have lost faith in other people to be able to give the space and comfort to do this with them, but i don’t think i will ever lose faith that it is a thing that you can do.

kai camp showed me that it is possible to feel that way with a group of friends. i shall be chasing that feeling and maybe along the way i can trust another person again to be vulnerable.

what a terrible writing. i’m sorry. i’ll probably revisit it one day. maybe. when i have it in constant supply.