thinking out loud, could have been a series of tweets, but twitter cuts my thoughts in ways that doesn’t allows me to finish things.

so this might just be post-semester bliss mixed in with some dopamine for things that shall not be discussed right now because I still have zero idea how it’s doing but i am, for once in a very long time (at least a few semester), actually considering professional things more than just “eh it will be fine”. i’m still at a point where i can totally pivot things if i want to (just finished my third year), so this isn’t really the “oh no im no longer a student i need to think about my life” crunch either, but after the floaty feeling of not really wanting things that has been happening in the past few years, i think i’m starting to “return to wanting things”, this time maybe for real?

honestly, with the amount of revelation about myself that i get once every few days, it’s not very convincing for me to talk about this to anyone else because there is a chance that in three days i will have a different revelation about myself that requires me to rethink my entire life again. this is me trying to atleast grasp on the few straws to see if this might actually yield into something different.

there are two things that i’ve been considering again:

• earning more money
• going for masters

during the entirety of my uni time (and honestly even before that) i felt basically done with money not because i have had enough of it, no i still had things i wanted, it’s just that the things that i want were very much achievable with the proof of work and things that i’ve done up that working extra hard for extra money wasn’t gonna give me much more satisfaction. there are money sinks i know i wanna spend money on, community development, making the perfect house/compound, funding art and culture research, but those are as i say money sinks, things that in my opinion will never be fulfilled and therefore must be worked on with what you have. now i do know what the money is going to be used for. i do have things that i wanna achieve with the money that i have. it is sadly part of the “things i cannot discuss just yet” but like water i felt like my previous cloudy attitude have just started to condense and it’s starting to trickle.

with this i start thinking about routes toward money that i wanna work on and data science have been propping up again. i have been coding again, and being in tpot have given me many people that i can talk and ask about ML stuff i feel like this is a massive competitive advantage that i should leverage. going back to data science means learning math again, which is a fun thing i haven’t done in a while. going back to data science means maybe contacting old colleagues from the old internship i did back before uni to ask them about the industry condition. okay this is a nice vibe i like this it’s DIRECTION.

honestly, this one is mostly because i wanna go and move to SOMEWHERE ELSE (preferably japan) because i do think i maybe limiting myself for not spending time abroad because i thought that i want to spend more time working here. this line of thinking about wanting to spend time here might not be true, because it might just be insecurities and fear playing up. lots of thoughts about this, but i’m starting to think about going for an urban economic masters with special interest in public transport specifically. not quite sure how doable or viable it is, or if the track even exist, but i have started to consider that maybe, just maybe, i can try and do another extra two years of schooling for the chance to go outside of the country. this one is more of a stretch, gonna have to ask my professors and people in the field to know what it’s like, but this is another thing that is in my mind.

THING THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED is giving me a lot of things to think about, so much that i don’t think i can even muster words for it. one of the most important thing about it is that it… well… let’s just say it have given me the thing that i want for so long. a desire. i finally desired something, and this is something that im willing to work for. a part of me is afraid, because this is attachment. something that i do belief is necessary to eradicate for enlightenment. but well, let’s just say that, for once, that’s not the sole goal.

i might regret this decision in the future, i might revert back from this decision in 3 days time, who knows. the only thing that i know is that maybe for once, i feel like i have a desire, and that desire is finally connected with the wider world.

and maybe, just maybe, i could be sucked back into the cycle of samsara like every one of my friends.