you know, i think i’m a bit much.

like, not too much that it become a speciality, but maybe a little too much to make people uncomfortable. i’m tall, moderately in comparison to the people around me, but not tall enough to be clocked in as a basketball player. i’m quite chubby, but not big enough to be bear-like, in the gay sense. i’m smart, smart enough to actually like thinking, but not smart enough to go full genius. i like to think that i’m good looking, not enough to be eye turning like my little brother but i certainly don’t think i’m ugly. i’m quite faithful and spiritual, enough to be able to comprehend some esoteric stuff but not enough to go full schizo posting. i know myself well enough, enough to fight for my rights, but not enough to tell you what i want. i’m good enough at socializing, enough to make friends if the situation calls but not enough to be able to actively make friends with anyone. i’m…

you get the point.

it’s like i’m stuck in the uncanny valley. close enough to looking human, but just shy of the threshold enough that i end up looking unsettling. in my case, i’m close enough to being a really cool guy, but falls short that i end up being just a little much for people. yes, this is a convoluted way of self pitying myself, shut up, i’m processing something.

got the idea at 3am last night after i finished watching Encanto and Shang-Chi, both an “okay it’s fine” movies with strong theme on family. made me think about what being in a relationship actually entails, mostly my extreme fixation on both older and dominant leaning women. what is it, that i’m actually looking for? it’s not just the doting and feeling accepted vibe of it, but mostly it’s about the willingness to pick up the slack and be responsible in the relationship together.

i am HEDGING a lot here. i am nervous writing this down. why? writing stays forever, and anything i wrote will forever be an indication of my thoughts. i’ve talked about this with friends irl before, but never in writing. I AM AFRAID THAT THIS WILL BRING ME TROUBLE. even if this is a quick note. not a big essay piece. still, old fear die hard. but, i need to get this out.

like, this is an observation i’ve had for a very long time. as much as feminist movement have grown to empower women in a lot of different ways, it didn’t really changed the power dynamics too much, at least not to those i can immediately see and feel. heck, i feel like it’s worse now because the power dynamics are a whole lot more blurry. here i’m mostly talking about the power dynamics between man and women in a relationship. it feels like, feels like, very little of the women friends that i knew had any desire to actually become the “strong independent woman”. a lot of them, even the “strong independent woman” type, are actually still looking for “traditional” relationship. they’re looking for older men who are capable of giving them proper foundation and keep them safe.

this is fine. that is completely fine with me. i understand where they’re coming from. after all feminism isn’t just about “overthrowing the patriarchy” the way the extreme SJW say it, it’s also about women’s right and you know giving women power to do what they really want. then why the hell does it feels like what women want is safety?

GOD SO MANY CAVEATS NEEDED TO EXPLAIN THE WORDS I SAY AND I’M NO WHERE NEAR THE POINT I WANT TO MAKE. okay i’m gonna stop hedging and say my piece.

i don’t like how even after feminism the man is still expected to be the stronger one :<

like, look. i don’t have a problem with being the one who provide, being the one who is stable. i talked about this in A Letter To You – Crying Discourse already, but like, i don’t like having this kind of heavy expectations on me.

why? because i’m a bit much. the reason i’m still in the uncanny valley is that i’m unwilling to go beyond a mental barrier. i’m trying to look normal. to be able to be accepted. but no. it’s actually causing me pain, because i actually am cool. GOD THAT SOUNDS SO CRINGE BUT LIKE, A PART OF ME REALLY THINK THAT. i do think that im a really cool guy, it’s just that when i stop having this mental barrier, i’m gonna be SO MUCH that i’m afraid that people won’t be able to accept who i am entirely.

OKAY THAT’S THE FRAMEWORK DOWN. TL;DR:

• I’m currently in the uncanny valley, but actually I’m a really cool guy (according to me)
• The reason I’m in the uncanny valley is that I don’t want to be a really cool guy because me being a really cool guy is a bit much
• Why is being a bit much a problem? Well because I think that being a bit much is contradictory with the societal expectations of men in a relationship.
• I want to be in a relationship where I can be a little bit much, and not just be accepted but loved for the entirety of it.

part of being a little bit much is that both my feminine and masculine energy is strong so i would prefer if i can balance it out as well. as i said. i’m a bit much. i know very little people that can handle me. god i sound so pretentious. but, y’know. the feelings are real. even this fucking word vomit is a bit much. it have a lot of things, but not enough, because… idk. a mental block stops me from showing more than this, in fear that i am not just a little bit much, but a whole lot much.

you know.